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Author Topic: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car  (Read 9023 times)

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Offline CriTTer

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from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« on: April 26, 2009, 04:36:01 AM »

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Date: 2009-02-12, 1:22PM CST

To the guy that crapped in my car. (SW Minneapolis)

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at Famous Daves sharing the feast for two while drinking their sweetened ice tea. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call or email,
Tiffany

Offline ♥♣ ~Maynard~♣♥

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #1 on: April 26, 2009, 04:48:22 AM »
Sorry about crapping in your car Tiffany and yes I am embarrassed :-[
But if your willing to try again I'm game :{:{:
Oh yes I have a question do you put out on the second
date??
And I  want to thank you for the BJ even tho I crapped my pants at the moment of............... ((*(*&
Remember I'm a nudist so when you respond to one of my post yor talking to a naked man  :)


For entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Offline ♥♥♥Trena♥♥♥

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #2 on: April 26, 2009, 11:27:39 AM »
All I can say is...OMG!
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, So love the people who treat you right, Forget the ones who don't, and believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it.






Offline CrazedChris

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #3 on: April 27, 2009, 01:12:24 AM »
 &^&&(

Offline kari

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #4 on: April 27, 2009, 01:21:48 AM »
Oh, the tears.... the pain...... I can't breathe I'm laughing so hard.....Thank you CriTTer, I needed a break, didn't expect this, and this will keep me laughing for a few days or more (I hope I don't start laughing like this on the plane... if I do, ya'll will hear about it on the news!).
Proud to have served, US Army, WAC

Offline Coyote

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #5 on: April 27, 2009, 02:30:32 PM »
OMG Maynard....I'm dying here. 
 
 &^&&( &^&&(

Sorry about crapping in your car Tiffany and yes I am embarrassed :-[
But if your willing to try again I'm game :{:{:
Oh yes I have a question do you put out on the second
date??
And I  want to thank you for the BJ even tho I crapped my pants at the moment of............... ((*(*&
....and that night as the moon crossed the mountain, one more Coyote was heard...

Offline mark

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #6 on: April 27, 2009, 02:53:12 PM »
 Two words... Mexican food.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
~Teilhard de Chardin

Offline mark

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #7 on: April 27, 2009, 02:59:08 PM »
Another one!You worthless bag of filth
Date: 2009-02-26, 7:37AM EST


You vulgar little maggot.

You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a slug than be seen with you. You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beast who sired you and then killed himself in recognition of what he had done. Your daddy was a bastard, your mamma was a whore, and you wouldn't be here if the rubber hadn't tore. I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you.

You have all the appeal of a booger. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood.

May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs. You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Sheep won't have sex with you––only trash such as yourself.

You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile, one-handed, slack-jawed, drooling, meatslapper. On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool.

You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of a used condom. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go. You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have toe jam. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away forever.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid, so stupid it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me.

After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left.
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
~Teilhard de Chardin

Offline ~kathy~

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #8 on: April 27, 2009, 03:05:59 PM »
Sorry about crapping in your car Tiffany and yes I am embarrassed :-[
But if your willing to try again I'm game :{:{:
Oh yes I have a question do you put out on the second
date??
And I  want to thank you for the BJ even tho I crapped my pants at the moment of............... ((*(*&

ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go ahead and blame me....Everyone else does

Offline ShowmeHillbilly

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #9 on: April 28, 2009, 01:58:37 AM »
I couldnt even write for a few moments to even reply!!!
Lord Maynard you are a trip!!!
Oh goodness!
You never know how STRONG you are...until being strong is the ONLY choice you have.
Life Isnt about waiting for the storm to pass...Its about learning to dance in the rain.
Someday someone will walk into your life & make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else!

Offline kari

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #10 on: April 28, 2009, 02:02:46 AM »
Ugh, I read it again.... damn, I just know the plane is going to get turned around and I'll be in the damn news for it!  THANKS MAYNARD!  ^^^%%% oops, CriTTer AND Maynard!!!
Proud to have served, US Army, WAC

Offline ♥♣ ~Maynard~♣♥

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #11 on: April 28, 2009, 02:10:13 AM »
CriTTer is the one who posted the story so give him the Kudo's.
I just posted my side of the story.
 
Damn I shouldn't have had that Bar-B-Que for supper
Gotta go now :woohoo: ;D
Remember I'm a nudist so when you respond to one of my post yor talking to a naked man  :)


For entertainment purposes only. Any resemblance to real persons living or dead is purely coincidental.

Offline mark

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #12 on: April 28, 2009, 02:17:42 AM »
 I must have missed something. Did kari poop on a plane?
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
~Teilhard de Chardin

Offline kari

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #13 on: April 28, 2009, 02:28:51 AM »
I must have missed something. Did kari poop on a plane?
I'm taking a flight and I'm afraid I'll think of CriTTer's post and start laughing like crazy again, as that was the funniest post (which I stole and emailed to EVERYONE I know).... Dangerous to be hysterically laughing, crying, or anything when you fly now a days! 
Proud to have served, US Army, WAC

Offline mark

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #14 on: April 28, 2009, 02:32:15 AM »
 Glad we cleared that up. LOL
We are not human beings having a spiritual experience.
We are spiritual beings having a human experience.
~Teilhard de Chardin

Offline ♥♣ ~Maynard~♣♥

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #15 on: April 28, 2009, 02:33:05 AM »
Ugh, I read it again.... damn, I just know the plane is going to get turned around and I'll be in the damn news for it!  THANKS MAYNARD!  ^^^%%% oops, CriTTer AND Maynard!!!
Okay Kari I have a plan.
Remember Lisa Nowak the crazy Diaper Wearing Astronaut Lady??
DEPENDS TO THE RESCUE !! WE GOT YOU COVERED :th_thwhistling:
No stain on the seat and a chanel # 5 smell
 :th_th36_1_15:  Don't you love it when a plan comes together.
I may do the same thing the next time I go out with Tiffany :th_thmuwahaha-1:
Remember I'm a nudist so when you respond to one of my post yor talking to a naked man  :)


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Offline CriTTer

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #16 on: April 28, 2009, 02:42:00 AM »

Offline kari

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Proud to have served, US Army, WAC

Offline kari

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #18 on: April 28, 2009, 02:45:29 AM »
Okay Kari I have a plan.
Remember Lisa Nowak the crazy Diaper Wearing Astronaut Lady??
DEPENDS TO THE RESCUE !! WE GOT YOU COVERED :th_thwhistling:
No stain on the seat and a chanel # 5 smell
 :th_th36_1_15:  Don't you love it when a plan comes together.
I may do the same thing the next time I go out with Tiffany :th_thmuwahaha-1:

Hmmm, guess it won't look strange having a depends over my mouth with this swine flu thing going on........  I can't think of CriTTer's post, I can't think of CriTTer's post, I can't... oh hell, I'm cracking up again  damn!
Proud to have served, US Army, WAC

Offline eli

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #19 on: April 28, 2009, 05:18:11 AM »
Now that is funny criter.

Offline eli

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #20 on: April 28, 2009, 05:18:49 AM »
sorry forgot a t critter.

Offline ♥♣ ~Maynard~♣♥

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Re: from Craigslist: To the guy who crapped in my car
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2009, 01:03:48 AM »
CriTTer Do you think we will be in trouble when Kari reads the news release in Breaking news.
You know I am going to blame It on you Don't yah? ::)
 :wee_fly: :woohoo: :iam: :clever:
Remember I'm a nudist so when you respond to one of my post yor talking to a naked man  :)


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